Our Journey to Parenthood- Michelle's Story

Today, I’m happy to welcome Michelle, who is taking over the blog today sharing her journey to parenthood. Michelle blogs over at Along Came Ellie, where she writes about her littles and their day to day lives. Make sure to go check out her blog!Thank you for sharing your story with us today, Michelle!

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When I was younger and thought about getting married and having a family I just assumed that when my husband and I were ready I would get pregnant right away and have a healthy baby. I was so naive. I personally know women, and have read stories of many women’s heartaches with trying to conceive, miscarriages, stillborns, or the loss of an infant. Every story doesn’t always have a happy ending.

Mike and I were high school sweethearts and go married in February of 2008. All I’ve ever wanted in life was to be a mom and I was ready to have a baby right away. Mike; not so much! So in the spring of 2010 we decided that we were going to try and get pregnant in June of that summer. Apparently God had other plans because on April 24 I saw two pink lines on a home pregnancy test. It was a little earlier than we expected but we were both so excited. I was due January 4th and had a very uneventful pregnancy. In August we found out we were going to have a little girl and decided to name her Eleanor. She came into our world at 37 weeks and changed our life forever.

For the first 6 months Ellie had a dairy intolerance that led to her being extremely fussy. She cried and screamed almost all the time and it really took a toll on me. I struggled with some anxiety and post partum depression in her first 8 months of life. It was really hard wanting a baby so badly but then wondering if I was really cut out to do this. Even though I eventually overcame all those emotions I was pretty scared to have another baby. How would I cope if we had another baby that screamed their brains out for the first 4 months of their life? In April when Ellie was about 16 months old I was bit by the baby bug and brought up the idea of having another baby to Mike. He wanted to think about it for a little bit but came home form work one night and told me he wanted a baby for his birthday (in February) which mean we had to get down to business. Like yesterday. I tossed out those little colored pills and we threw caution to the wind. I spent the whole month wondering if this was the month.

I took my first test on Tuesday, May 22. Negative

I took my second test on May 24. Mike asked me what it said and I told him negative. Not a second after he closed the door to leave for work did that faint second line appear. Positive?! I took another test that afternoon and sure enough-positive. This was it. I was pregnant! I was so excited and it was such a different experience knowing we were actually “trying” to have a baby.

I called my ob and he wanted me to come in for the initial blood draw and he told me we would do an ultrasound in 2 weeks. When we went to the office for our ultrasound and the tech turned on the screen I couldn’t see anything so I just went back and forth between watching the tech and Mike’s face. Then I saw his frown. My heartbeat quickened and I knew something wasn’t right. She told me that there was a gestational and yolk sac but no baby. We went into a room to wait for the Dr. and as soon as the nurse walked out I burst into tears. Mike sat next to me and just held me as I cried.

The Dr. came in after what seemed like an eternity and told me the worst news I have ever heard in.my.life.

“I just don’t think this pregnancy is viable.”

We were devastated. He told me that the sacs were irregular in shape and that every time he has seen this it has ended in miscarriage. They took my blood again to check my levels and he said he expected them to be low and not rising. He told me he would call me tonight with the results and set up a follow-up ultrasound for the next week. I asked him if we could expect to see anything different on the next ultrasound and he said No. Mike and I were heartbroken. He scheduled us for another ultrasound 6 days later and I prayed and prayed and prayed for a miracle.We went in for our second ultrasound and I lay there praying praying praying with my arm over my eyes. And then I heard it. The whoosh whoosh whoosh…there was a baby and a heartbeat of 126bpm. Our little baby was alive. PRAISE GOD. PRAISE GOD. PRAISE GOD!!! When we talked to the Dr he told me once again not to get my hopes up and that he expected in the next few weeks we would come back and there wouldn’t be a heartbeat. I was in a daze and wasn’t listening to what he was saying. I just sat there smiling and staring at the picture of my little baby. The little life that had formed inside of me. Ellie’s little brother or sister. Our second child. Our baby. I was due on February 2; our fifth wedding anniversary.

I switched my care to a midwife and made an appointment for the end of the week. She scheduled a same day ultrasound and the tech came in and turned on the machine and took picture after picture. I laid there praying as I listened to the sound of her nails hitting the keys. And then it was time. She turned on the audio to hear the heartbeat and there it was…nothing. Just a flat line across the screen.

Sometime between Monday afternoon and Friday afternoon we had lost our baby.
I had a D&C the next week and was completely devastated. Everyone had their own way of trying to make me feel better. Some said “well at least you know you can get pregnant” or “You can just have another one” and some people just didn’t say anything at all. I would just lie in bed at night and sob. I didn’t want another baby. I wanted this baby. I was ready to try again right away. Mike wasn’t so sure, but we decided to just not prevent and see what happened. Six weeks later I had a period. It was like a smack in the face. I wasn’t supposed to be having a period. I was supposed to be 15 weeks pregnant, not having a period.But sure enough, the next month I saw 2 pink lines on that little stick. My midwife had me come in for an ultrasound around 7 weeks and when we heard the heartbeat I was sobbing so much that she had to stop the ultrasound until I calmed down. I have never heard a sweeter sound. We were so excited, but still hesitant.
When I was about 14 weeks we had a little scare when I lost consciousness and once we made sure everything was ok with the baby we told our parents and siblings around 15 weeks.

For the majority of the pregnancy I remained a little detached. Not on purpose, I think it was just my way of trying to protect my heart in case anything happened. I was afraid that the second I let myself get excited and start to dream about our future something bad would happen. I cried again at the anatomy scan when the tech told us it was a boy and that he looked completely healthy. We told the rest of our family after our scan, and even though I knew everything looked perfect, I felt like I wasn’t going to be able to relax until he was safe in my arms. I remember breaking down one morning in church when I was about 36 weeks because I was terrified that something was going to happen and we would lose the baby.

But God is faithful, and at 39 weeks 2 days, I started having contractions and at 7:45 pm welcomed Michael into the world. I know that I am supposed to say that if I had carried the baby we lost to term then we wouldn’t have our sweet Michael, but if I’m being honest, that doesn’t really soothe my heart. Don’t get me wrong, I love Michael fiercely with all of my heart, but I want both babies. I know it isn’t possible, but in a perfect world that would be my wish. I have two babies her eon earth who have taught me I could love in a way I never imagined, but I look forward to the day that I can hold my angel baby and kiss their sweet face. I am thankful that they are in the arms of Jesus.

Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”