About a year after we were married, we got pregnant. 11 weeks into the pregnancy we miscarried. I was devastated, depressed and felt like it was my fault. I questioned everything I had believed and hit rock bottom. It took me months to get back to my normal self, although I don’t think I ever will be the person I was before our angel. I’ve learned a lot about life through the loss. That little angel has made me a better person today. A better wife, partner, friend and mother.
We decided to try again after we were given the okay, which looking back probably wasn’t the smartest thing. The wounds were still too fresh. All I wanted was to get pregnant again and (in my head) get back what we had lost. This was a trying time for us and for our marriage. In October, we did end up getting pregnant while taking Clomid for the first time (irregular cycles) but at 6 weeks we miscarried again.
At that time I felt that something was wrong. Whether it was me, hubs, us together…I didn’t know but I wasn’t going to go through another loss before we had some answers. At that point we were referred to a specialist. We decided to not try again until we had answers from the specialist, I just wanted to know what was “wrong” with me. We had out consultation with the RE on my 28th birthday, November 22nd. I was so ready for this birthday and the fresh start of a new year for me. We felt great about the new DR and moved forward with a laundry list of testing. About a week after our consultation, we started the blood work. I had 11 viles of blood drawn. I was supposed to go back a week later for more testing, but I had to wait for my cycle to start. It never did. So they called me in for blood work to check my HCG levels. The next day I found out we were pregnant. We had conceived the week of our consultation, on our own. We were shocked and scared at the same time. Both of our blood works came back normal but we still didn’t have any answers. 31 weeks later, I’m still pregnant. To this day, we don’t know what caused our losses. We may never know.
I’m going to leave it a this today, but I do have posts planned for the future. One day I hope to write a book on miscarriage. I’m far from an expert but I think there isn’t enough out there about it. I feel like some think it’s taboo to talk about but in reality more people experience it then you would ever know. One thing I will say is that I never would have been able to get through the past year without blogging. I didn’t know anyone my age who had gone through a miscarriage before in my “real” life. But, I met many ladies through blogging. Even though I never shared my story in a post, many of you know it from the friendships we’ve developed via email and the support you’ve all provided has meant the world to me. Today, I hope that in sharing this I will be able to help others who are going through what we went through.
Believe it or not, I wouldn’t change what has happened to us. I don’t think hubs and I would have what we have as a couple today if we hadn’t gone through this. I learned a lot about myself and have completely changed as a person. I learned about my friends and how blessed we are to have such a wonderful support system. You never know how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have. I know that AG, hubs and myself have two guardian angels always watching over us always. They will always be a part of us, always.
Today, I added a PAIL button to my blog. I’m a little late in adding it, but I wanted to tell my store before making the button a permanent fixture on the blog. The PAIL blogroll is a listing of participating bloggers who find themselves pregnant/parenting on the difficult journey through adoption, infertility and/or loss. This list is meant to connect bloggers along this road to share experiences, advice, resources and friendship.
Here is one of my favorite posts I wrote when I was going through the loss.
Great post Leah!!! I am soo happy you are finally able to share your story!! I am soo happy AG will here soon as well!! Such a lil miracle in the making right now!!
OMG how amazing! Wow what a secret you've been keeping! Thank you for sharing your story!
AG is such a blessing for you! I miscarried my first pregnancy as well, and it really does make you feel like you have done something wrong. But just think of them as your angel babies up in Heaven watching down on you. Thinking of you and so excited that you are so close to your due date! 🙂
You couldn't have written this post at a better time. I needed to read this & see I wasn't the only one. I have had 3 beautiful children but this time around hasn't been so easy. I just miscarried on Monday. I am feeling everything you wrote about. I feel very guilty 🙁 All I can do is try again but I am scared.
Thanks for sharing!
Great post and I appreciate all your emails and pep talks. AG is one luck y little girl!! So excited for you both.
It had to be so hard to go through what you and your husband did. It is such a miracle that your little girl was conceived with no other assists. Crazy how timing is out of your hands. You two are truly blessed with your little girl!!
Thank you so much for sharing. I have a close friend who shares a similar loss too. It's just heartbreaking. Your little girl is such a blessing!! Hope you enjoy your weekend sweet friend.
i'm so very happy for you guys and think that the struggles you both have gone through have made you even better parents for ag. I plan on sharing your blog with a friend of mine who suffered a miscarriage ( we are only 27) and is now pregnant and constantly worried about what may happen. your positivity really is an inspiration.
Thank you so much for sharing this story. This was so brave. So many couples go through this in silence, and we can find comfort and understanding in each other. It is so wonderful to read that you felt strengthened by the experience. Truly touching. Glad to have found this today 🙂
thank you for sharing. You should write a book!
Wow, you've really been through a lot. It must have taken a lot for you to post this. I admire that– others out there who have been through what you've been through will find this and know that there's one more person out there who understands, and that will make all the difference. <3
Congrats on your little girl! I have two and they're so, so much fun. I look forward to reading more and watching as you go through the best experience you'll ever have 🙂
What an amazing story! Soo happy for you guys and your blessing on the way!
I love your faith in God here! 🙂 Love your story and can't wait to meet your sweet baby! 🙂
Thank you for sharing your story, Leah. With such sadness comes great joy and soon you will hold your beautiful daughter in your arms. I have been pregnant 4 times and I have three daughters. I had a miscarriage before Anna. And while it was very difficult and hard for me to get through – I truly feel like everything happens for a reason and I had to have faith that God knew what he was doing. Although I still get sad thinking about it, I know if I had't lost that baby that I would never know my Annie. And her middle name is Faith – because faith is what got me through those hard times. All the best to you!
Congrats on making it this far! All the best to you, I know you'll get your happy ending.
This is a beautiful post; thank you for sharing. Looking forward to hearing all about AG!