September 20, 2012

Pregnancy After Miscarriage

I’ve been writing this post in my head over and over again for the past nine months. It’s definitely not something that is easy to talk about, but I knew I wanted to share my experience. Not only to get it off my chest, but to hopefully help someone else that is going through one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. Not enough people talk about miscarriage. Which I completely understand. It’s hard, sad, and most of the time there is nothing to say to make it better. But the one thing that helped me is talking with women who experienced the same thing. There is an instant bond that just can’t be explained between women who become the 1 in 4. The women I’ve found were an unbelievable support, many of these women I met through blogging.

Fear is something that is normal to have while pregnant. But, if you’ve had a miscarriage before it’s a different kind of fear. To be honest, there is nothing that will get rid of it. Nothing. At least that was the case for me. My first loss was towards the end of the first trimester, therefore the first trimester for the next pregnancies were very difficult. I overanalyzed every thing and expected the worst. Every appointment I walked in and mentally prepared myself for bad news. I thought that once I made it through the first trimester, all would be good. My fears would go away and I’d be in this blissful state for the remainder of the pregnancy. That wasn’t the case at all. There will always be something to worry about when that little baby is inside you.

Pregnancy after miscarriage is a series of mountains and valleys. Each appointment and checkpoint (heartbeat, screenings, growth, everything they checked for to make sure things were okay) being the mountains and the feeling I had when we made it through another appointment with good news and the time until the next appointment were the valleys. Some months the mountains were higher and others had longer valleys.

I would often talk to friends who were pregnant at the same time as me and hear their excitement for everything related to pregnancy. I felt guilty because I didn’t have the same excitement. Was I thrilled beyond words that I was pregnant? Absolutely. But, miscarriage takes some of the joy out of pregnancy. I say some because I didn’t feel like this each and everyday. I honestly was happy and I felt blessed. I knew deep down that my little miracle was meant to be. But, there were days when the worry took over. It was a constant inner battle with myself. This battle lasted until the moment I delivered my baby girl. Even as I was checked into the hospital, hooked up to IV’s, listening to my baby on the monitor…I worried. What If… It never went away for me.

One thing I thought all the time and have been asked by friends who have experienced a mc, is what if it happens again?What if I lose another baby?

I can’t go through it again. It just hurts too bad.

Those were my thoughts. Then, it became my reality.
But, I got through it. I found the strength I didn’t know I had. It wasn’t easy and some days were better than others. But I wasn’t going to let it stop me from the end result. I knew that a year or a few years of heartache and loss could not compare to the lifetime of happiness a child would bring us. That is how I CHOSE to look at it.

If you find yourself pregnant after miscarriage, know this…

It’s okay to be worried.

It’s normal not to feel over the moon right from the beginning.

Take it day by day, week by week and appointment by appointment.Keep your support system close.

Keep your faith. You have a little angel looking over you each and every day.

Trust that God has a plan for you and your miracle on the way.

You’ll make it through and the minute your baby is in your arms (no matter how that baby gets to you) everything will make sense.If you ever need to talk, encouragement, someone to listen…I’m here.

Also, something that was a huge help to ease my fear during my third pregnancy was a fetal heart rate doppler. My mom ordered this one for me during my first trimester and every time I was worried, I would use it.

Comments

Elley @ Up Above The World So High says

September 20, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Great post! I've been reading for a long time and I've never commented but I really wanted to thank you for this post. I was just trying to explain this to my husband last night..that even though I'm 36 weeks into a healthy pregnancy I am sick of worrying about losing this baby every day. Every time he has a quiet hour or I feel slightly "off." The relief of him being out where I can see that he's okay is something I dream about every day!

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Caroline says

September 20, 2012 at 5:47 pm

You are one amazing lady! Beautifully written. xoxox

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Emily says

September 20, 2012 at 7:56 pm

I know this post will help so many ladies out there! So wonderful of you to share!

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Jennifer Gilbert Settle says

September 20, 2012 at 8:03 pm

Great post, glad to see you talking about one of those "taboo" subjects. I am sure it will help many wonderful women!!

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Tickled Pink says

September 20, 2012 at 8:19 pm

So true. I've been there too girl and know exactly how you felt! 🙂

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Mateya says

September 20, 2012 at 8:44 pm

I'm so glad that you were able to post this because I know it will help many other ladies out there dealing with the same things. You are so strong!

I am so happy that Avery is here and safe in your arms…what a blessing!

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carissa @ lowercase letters says

September 21, 2012 at 3:01 am

you are a gem. thanks for being vulnerable, sharing your story, sharing your hurts, and being a testimony to Him. blessings girl.

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Caley-Jade Rosenberg says

September 21, 2012 at 8:28 am

Thank you for this touching post Leah. It has always been one of my biggest fears and recently the stats have shown that a miscarriage for baby #2 is so common… I am still nervous but your post has put my mind at ease… x

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Jessica @ Simply A Farmer's Wife says

September 23, 2012 at 2:16 pm

What a beautiful post! Although I have never experienced miscarriage I have experienced losing a child before. Our 1st daughter died when she a day old & we struggled for 4 years to have another baby. We finally did but our fears were so much the same. We can't have anymore children & that is a blessing & a curse. Anyway, thanks for sharing this & for allowing me to share my story. And I just found your blog via Emily over at Dear Owen!

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LC says

October 1, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Great post! I felt as if the words were coming straight out of my own mouth. We do have a lot in common…including our miracles! 🙂

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wide open spaces says

September 26, 2013 at 12:17 am

Found your blog through Mrs to Mama's blog and I love every post you have written! I am a mother of a four year old and with my mother experiencing two miscarriages and I having problems with ovarian cancer issues I am terrified to try for another. Everyone I hear says that when trying for a second baby you almost always have a miscarriage. I am reluctant but everything you say in your post is helpful and motivating. I am eager to read more! XO

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Michelle says

September 26, 2013 at 12:39 am

This post brought me to tears. I had a miscarriage a year ago in June and was pregnant again in August. I would lie in bed and sob for the baby that we lost while praying for the baby growing inside me. I had a really hard time feeling bonded/attached to the baby. I was afraid that something was going to happen again. At 15 weeks we told our immediate family and I finally felt like I could breathe again. But at an appointment at 17 weeks my midwife told me the baby had a "very distinct" heart murmur and started talking about surgery. Thank God by our scan at 19 weeks everything was fine. But I remember beings about 36 weeks at church one Sunday and at the end of service I was hysterical because I was afraid I was going to lose the baby. I was so close, but what if…what if? We had a family friend lose her baby at 39 weeks so I knew that anything could happen. I really had to lean on God the entire pregnancy and stand on His word and declare His promises. And as I type this I am currently nursing our sweet 4 month old baby boy to sleep. God is so good and faithful. Thank you for openly talking about such a common heartache for women.

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